Based on our extended knowledge of zombies (acquired from movies and video games) and their behaviors, we have compiled a series of tips to help you, our loyal supporters, survive an unavoidable zombie apocalypse. Here are some helpful hints that might save your hind parts.
1.) Be immune to whatever virus or the source of the outbreak. Our hints won't help you if you are already a zombie. DUH.
2.) Don't get bitten by someone who is infected. It may seem like common sense, but you would be surprised by how stupid some people are in respect to zombie trivia. I swear it should be common knowledge, but the bacteria responsible for the infection will spread to you from cut or bite administered by a zombie. As far as Zombies go, just look don't touch, or better yet, just shoot them (more on shooting in a minute).
3.) Before we get ahead of ourselves, GET A GUN, AND ALL THE AMMO YOU CAN FIND. Shawn recommends a shotgun and a simple AK-47, along with a revolver or some kind of pistol handy at all times. Scott recommends a hunting knife and a nail gun because he likes to live dangerously.
4.) This may seem like a no-brainer, but ALWAYS carry toilet paper. Just think about it.
5.) While on the topic of making potty-breaks, be sure to always have a bathroom buddy! It would be rather unfortunate for you if a zombie decided to come and snack on your tasty morsels while in mid-poop.
6.) There are those people who are just the roughest and toughest guys out there. Take Scott's dad, for example. Now, as soon as the apocalypse comes around, GO FIND THIS PERSON a.k.a. Shawn and Scott or the closest bada** you know! (sorry, this is a PG rated blog) They will most certainly aid you in your quest for survival.
7.) Be sure that you begin building your endurance now. Unless you are following Step 3 and arming yourself to the teeth, you need to be able to run as fast as you can, because not even the gingerbread man can run like the dickens from crazy man-eating zombies. Or maybe you just need to be faster than the people you are frequently with, if you catch my drift... ;)
8.) Learn how to siphon gas from a car. This will prove to be a very useful trick in your future criminal endeavors and when you need to top off during the zombie apocalypse.
9.) I always like to end with a cliche, so remember kids, HAVE FUNN!!! If you are in fact able to have fun killing zombies, then you are one messed up person, and have a very good chance at survival.
That's all folks!!!
Stay Sassy
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